This post was written by Jason Whitehorn. Jason is a worship leader at FBC Smyrna in Tennessee and tells the story below of getting through the tragic death of his grandfather.

“My grandfather is dead”

Who would have ever thought that the month of February in 2004 would be as cold as it was? The physical temperature was fine with highs between the 50’s and 60’s…but the chill I felt that February was numbing. I had come home from work and was doing some relaxing on the couch when my phone rang. To this day, I can’t remember if it was my mother or father who called…and I don’t remember the exact words said to me…but I remember being told a simple sentence that translated to “my grandfather is dead.” I vaguely remember not being able to speak and tossing the phone aside at the couch. My wife picked up the phone while I cried my heart into the couch cushions.

The details were chilling. My grandfather had spent the morning cleaning up after himself so my grandmother would not have to do any cleaning when she got home. She had gone to see a family member in the hospital. He changed clothes into an old t-shirt and an old pair of pants and went out into his garage. He had placed a note on the kitchen refrigerator – a note that we would later discover he had written well before the fateful day. He sat down on his favorite glider in the garage – and performed the unthinkable act.

After the initial shock wore off, my mind went where I am sure everyone’s mind goes: Why? Could I have prevented it? What happens to my grandfather now? Signs! There were no signs! How could we have missed this?!? I spent my next few months struggling with these thoughts and emotions.

Dealing with the guilt

Perhaps you have deal with or are currently dealing with the same issue. Perhaps you know someone who is dealing with the same issue. The quiet truth that I can provide to you is that God can heal your heart – and he provides us with many words in the Scriptures that answer many of our questions. It is easy to wonder “Why didn’t I see this coming?” or “could I have prevented this?” when dealing with the suicide of a loved one or friend. The truth is – it is rarely ever made known. I never knew that my grandfather was that upset with life. It turned out that he was going to have surgery on his hips and be confined to wheelchair for a short period of time. My grandfather simply did not want to subject his wife to his pain nor subject her to having to push him around and care for him. There were no signs…there was no idle talk…nor talk at all about suicide.

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