As some of you may or may not know, I am currently looking for work and have been for the past month. This is the second year in a row I’ve been jobless over Thanksgiving and now possibly Christmas. Last year was extremely difficult for me, but God was faithful and through that season I learned so much. I feel better prepared this time around, though unemployment is still not enjoyable, I know God is in control.

Before I go any further I feel I must say, there are many people in far worse situations than I. My intention is not to draw attention to myself, but hopefully encourage those struggling with unemployment as I know many who are. Even inside of A29 recently 2 stories have brought my suffering into harsh context, Matt Chandler’s brain tumor and the suicide of A29 pastor Thomas Young. Locally in Phoenix the McRae’s are still battling brain cancer with their daughter Kate. So please, pray for them and their families. Here was my prayer to Jesus this morning that hopefully may encourage others who find themselves in a similar position.

1 Timothy 6:6-8
“Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment,
for we brought nothing into this world,
and we cannot take anything out of the world.
But if we have food and clothing,
with these things we will be content.”

Jesus I am content with You.
Though much has been lost
and my mind worries about provision,
I know You are good and all I need.

I pray that you’d put my spirit at ease
and my mind at rest
You have never forsaken me,
never left me alone.
You are my creator, sustainer and eternal hope.

I pray for my family,
that you would give them peace and trust,
and your love for them would be a shelter.
During this Christmas season I pray for my children.
God that they’d treasure you as their Savior above all,
give me grace and wisdom in how to father them.

Finally I pray that you’d open doors for me.
Give me wisdom on what jobs to apply for.
Grant me favor in the eyes of hiring managers.
I ask these things with all humility.
Never the less, not my will but yours be done.

Amen.

I saw some tweets from Brian Wurzell, Worship Director at Cornerstone Christian Fellowship talking about an urgent prayer request for a family in their church who has a 5yr old daughter currently in Phoenix Children’s Hospital about to go into brain surgery. She has a very rare and aggressive form of cancer that is being operated on today. I do not know them personally, but they are just down the road from me and my heart goes out to them and certainly ask that you join me in lifting up your prayers for their precious baby girl.

For updates you can follow Kate’s dad on twitter @aaronmcrae or visit Kate’s website.

I love that I serve a God who’s never through showing more of himself. The more I long to see something new, something unseen by myself, something for the present day, He blossoms something in my spirit. These past months have been an extremely difficult time for me personally, while being an incredible growth period spiritually. A few lines had come to me in one of my prayer times that has been on replay in my heart:

“God I know your truth, but I need it spoken in me. I know your love, but I need you wrapped around me. Give life to what’s weak, and be lifted as I speak.”

Fast forward to our discipleship meeting this past week and Pastor Aaron was leading out of 1 Peter 5, here are the first 4 verses:

1 To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ’s sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed: 2 Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, serving as overseers–not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; 3 not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. 4 And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. 

The phrase “Chief Shepherd” just jumped out to me, I thought it such an interesting name for God. So I just began to search myself on it and God began to reveal some stuff to me right there. Many of you may be aware that the position of worship leader in the church is not literally ordained scripturally, although there were many leaders in worship in scripture. Now along this line there is a wide spectrum of interpretation. From churches who don’t believe any instruments should be played, to just some instruments and not others, to do whatever you want basically. My point is not to debate the validity of any point in that spectrum but to show what I believe God revealed to me about the flaw in what I had allowed to become a belief. I use the word “allowed” because I don’t think I made a conscious effort to believe the way I had, rather it was a passive and evolved view.

What had seeped into me is that in many ways what we do in ministry is a tactic of modern church and God is not concerned with the tactic but the fruit, heart and spirit of the tactic. While I believe that to largely be true I think I became out of balance in that in some aspects to the point where I felt God had left me to my own tactics, music included. That not only was God not concerned by the tactics or ministry strategy, he wasn’t really much involved at that stage beyond inspiration and some remote guidance. Almost as if God would give me a little encouraging slap on the butt in the physical and say, “I’ll meet you in the spiritual end zone”. I don’t know if I can really explain it all that well, but that’s my best attempt.

Here’s how the scripture above totally jacks that up. Peter addresses God as commander of the specific ministry, Chief of Shepherds, shepherding being the ministry or tactic. What God began to reveal to me is that there’s nothing I can do righteously in the Father’s name without Jesus already having done it and been appointed as chief. If I am sent by God then His presence does not lift until His purpose is fulfilled, as long as I don’t step outside his will. If I’m sent by the Spirit to my neighbor’s house to mow his lawn for the glory of God, then God is Chief Landscaper. He leads every blade of grass being cut and willed it as so. How incredibly arrogant and prideful for me to believe I could even mow a lawn without God. I can’t do anything.

Likewise in my music, I had cast aside my music as personal style, un-important to others, un-important to God and that God only cared about the goal of the music and that it be done in excellence. I can no longer say that. When I write worship songs, I believe and now must admit God is Chief Songwriter, when I play, Chief Musician. If he’s not leading me in the physical act, the tactic, then it’s worthless and the fruit will prove that. (I’m not claiming God writes my songs or plays my guitar…I hate having to even say that, but I know someone will read and mis-interpret this, sorry in advance)

This is important to me because I had felt somewhat abandoned in my music. That what I did physically was trivial. Now I humbly believe God is on me, within me, He’s concerned with what I say next, He’s eager to hear what I play next to him. He finds joy in my abandonment, He is honored when I practice a solo, He is moved when I write songs for His glory. He’s not waiting on the sidelines to see how it all turns out, I believe God is along for the entire journey, the messy middle part where our flesh battles our spirit. I need God there, I couldn’t continue to do this without Him in the thick of things. This isn’t a radical change or departure in belief, but rather a crucial adjustment to remain balanced. God saw me angled off course and by His grace corrected me.

Thank you Father, for your truth spoken in me, your love wrapped around me, for giving life to my weakness, be lifted.