This post was written by Mark and Kendra Rohl. Mark is an elder and worship leader at Life Connection Church in Phoenix AZ and Kendra sings on the Our Rising Sound band. Previously as part of the “God in Our Worst Times” blog series they shared their struggle of having their own baby and their hope of adoption. That post ended with hope and faith, but a yet unrealized miracle. By the grace of God they are now able to share the conclusion to their story, and the amazing miracle that God gave them.

God in Our Best Times

January was an exciting month for Mark and I. We had selected an amazing Christian Adoption Agency here in Phoenix called CFCA and started our 8 weeks of infant adoption/parenting classes! It felt great to be in the process and taking steps forward. We went into the matchbook at the end of June and we were told it would probably be a 6mo – 1yr wait time. We were hopeful, excited and full of faith that God had the perfect birth mom and baby for us. We spent many nights calling out to God on her behalf and praying that we would be able to form a good relationship with her, that the baby would be safe and healthy in her womb, that we would be able to share Christ with her and that ultimately she would become part of His family and ours. We could never have dreamed of how completely, perfectly and faithfully God would answer those prayers.

We receive “The Call”

On Monday Aug. 3rd we got a call from CFCA that a birth mom had selected us and wanted to have a match meeting with us to get to know us better. She was due at the end of Sept. which seemed so fast but we were so excited! We prayed and thanked God and asked that if this was meant to be that He would make it perfectly clear. Although we were both very excited we just didn’t have a peace about things and didn’t feel like this match was going to come to fruition.

The next day we were telling everyone the exciting news about our potential match and the word was out and our amazing community of friends and family were in prayer for us that God would continue to open the right doors and shut the others. Tuesday night as we were getting ready to go to church Mark got a call on his cell. All I heard him say was hospital, Tucson and as I looked at him to see his shocked face he put the woman on speakerphone

“Hi, this is Susan from CFCA Tucson and we have a birth mom here that is in labor and she has selected you from the matchbook, can you be here right away?“

What!  We were both in complete shock, we wandered around our our bedroom listening to the details she knew “healthy mom, healthy baby from the ultrasound it looks to be a girl, no prenatal, ethnicity 1/2 Italian 1/4 Irish 1/4 Hispanic.” She asked us to take a minute to pray and call her back if we were interested. We hung up the phone and just sobbed on the floor of our bedroom. We instantly knew that this was it! We threw some random things into a suitcase, got in the car and we were off to Tucson to see what the future had in store for us.

It’s a boy!

On the way there we called the adoption worker back and she said “Well the baby was just born and it’s a boy!  he is perfect,  healthy and beautiful and the birth mom would like to talk to you, is that okay?” Wow, sure I said not knowing what to say to this brave woman or how to even pull myself together to sound like a halfway sane woman myself.  She got on the phone and told me how excited she was that we were coming, how she knew from the moment she saw our match letter that we were the ones God had sent her to raise this baby boy, and the words that changed our world in an instant “I can’t wait for you to meet your son, he is beautiful.”

Our son? Could it be? Could this be the long awaited arrival of our child? The one we have been fighting for, praying for, crying out and believing for? It was too beautiful to comprehend, so full of God’s grace and peace that all we could do was burst into worship to Jesus. Worshiping Him for His goodness and faithfulness not even knowing how much more He had in store for us. The ride to Tucson was filled with lots of tears, lots of laughter, prayer, worship and conversations I will never forget with family and friends with Jesus at the center of it all. We didn’t have a boy name yet so being the tech savvy people that we are Mark downloaded a baby name app onto his iPhone to start looking at names. Mark has always loved the name Toby and I have always loved the proper version of that, Tobias. He looked it up and it means God’s Goodness. Done! That was the perfect name for this little boy.

We arrive at the hospital to see our son

Arriving at the hospital was surreal, what do you say to a woman who is giving you the most incredible gift in the world, how would this all be, would we connect with her, relate to her, get to share Christ with her? We walked into the room to find beautiful Vanessa in the hospital bed with a couple of friends. We went over and hugged, cried and thanked her. She told us to go look at our son and that moment will be etched in my mind for eternity. Peering down to see this angelic little face of a boy we just met but have loved for years is something indescribable that words can’t contain. The nurse handed him to me and Mark and I just stared in awe of the wonder of God’s creation and again, His goodness.

The next 3 days were spent sitting in Vanessa’s hospital room getting to know her and her getting to know us. We spent hours just loving on our son and loving on her. We had the most natural, genuine connection to her that allowed us to all to feel more at ease with the process than seemed possible. The nursing staff, agency and everyone who met us all in that little room said they had never seen anything quite like it and we got to share with them about God’s goodness and the peace that Christ gives that passes all understanding. As we got to know more about Vanessa we fell more in love with her. She is strong, mature, beautiful and more courageous than anyone I have ever known. She chose life for her child and then continued in selfless love by giving him to people she felt would raise him well. She said she knew from the moment she found out she was pregnant that God was leading her to adoption. She did everything perfectly to protect him, care for him and nurture him in her womb and said that all along, she knew she was carrying him for someone else.

The last day we got to pray for Vanessa for a long time and that was a moment where time seemed to stand still and as she put it,

“It felt like Jesus walked into the room, sat on the hospital bed next to me and showed me the deepest love I have ever known.“

She said she always believed in God and prayed but hadn’t had a personal relationship with Jesus and in an instant, as only Jesus can do, He revealed Himself to her in such a real way that she gave her heart fully to Him. As we prayed for restoration in her family with her mother, father and others God moved so quickly and beautifully. Within an hour of our prayer time she received calls from all the people we had prayed for and those who had once been against her were know the supportive, loving and tender people she needed. The Holy Spirit continued to work in each of us that day and made the transition so seamless, peaceful and joyful that it could only be attributed to Him.

The journey home with Tobias

As we left the hospital with our son in the backseat and made the long drive home we had time to reflect on the journey; the sweetness of the gift in light of the length of the fight and the pure and lasting joy that Jesus produces through it all. No way we could have even known to pray for what God gave us and it humbles us and causes worship to leap out of us to the source and King of our lives.

The other incredible part to this story is the way the community of friends and family at Life Connection Church came together to serve us. We have been studying and learning about how to live as a gospel community and I believe that LCC truly lived out exactly what that looks like and is continuing in that to this day. In 2 days people came together to gather every piece of baby equipment we could possibly need, tons of great cloths for Tobias, diaper, supplies, etc.  We left with only a bassinet and walked into a transformed home that was bathed in prayer, love and community and it was another unforgettable moment. The first night we had some of our closest friends over to meet Tobias and as we cried and celebrated him with the people that have fought along side up for so long it was a moment of pure joy in the King of Kings, the Lover of our Souls, the Father of every good and perfect gift!

As the days have passed we have talked to Vanessa nearly every day and she is falling more and more in love with Jesus. From the time we spent with her she got such a heart to find her own gospel community that she is now attending an amazing church in Tucson and has already begun sharing her testimony and impacting lives. She continues to see restored relationship with her parents and children and we know that this is just the beginning of a lifetime with Jesus pointing her to Himself and His cross to bring her to wholeness & transformation into His image.

All of this to say that God is the author of this story and we will continue to submit our lives humbly, reverently and with awe of His goodness and point everything back to Him. To Him be the glory forever and ever!

-Mark and Kendra Rohl

You can listen to Mark and Kendra’s testimony they gave at Life Connection Church below.

Download audio file (markkendrarohladoptiontestimony.mp3)

Related posts

• God in Our Worst Times: “Our baby is Faith” (3)
• God in Our Worst Times: “I commited adultery” (1)
• God in Our Worst Times: “2yr old Ethan hit by a truck” (16)

“I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO MY FAMILY”

Those were the words I said when I was 8yrs old. All I could hear was my mom yelling and my dad yelling back. I remember running to my bedroom, jumping on my bunk bed, and praying, “God please don’t let my parents ever divorce.” Fast forward to Dec. 30 1991 my 14th birthday. I was in Arizona visiting my aunt. When I heard the phone ring I knew something was wrong. My aunt began talking loud trying to calm my mom down. She gave me the phone and my mom said your father has left and is not coming back. The next day I was on a plane back to California. I had front row seats to see what adultery does in a home, a “Christian home” that is. I told myself I would never do that to my family.

April 10,1999 I’m getting married to the most beautiful woman in the world. We were high school sweethearts and I knew this was going to be perfect. I’ve always thought I knew how to be a husband and a father; I just needed to not do what my dad did. Easy.

3 months after getting married we were pregnant. No time was there to be alone for us. After Valerie was born in 2000 we had Alexis in 2002 and Ezekiel in 2004. Everything was going great, at least that’s what I believed.

Marriage troubles begin

In July 2003 I started this cycle of running from my problems and started to disconnect myself from the family. I tried maintaining 2 jobs just to stay out of the house because all I thought was that was my role in the home, bring in the money. During multiple moves back and forth from Arizona and California it became clearer and clearer that my marriage wasn’t right. My wife Denise is not happy. All of our problems or fights were financially based. I didn’t think she should be telling me what I needed to do. I made the money so I can spend it whenever and however I wanted to.

This continued for 3 years. In July of 2006 on my way home from work I remember the Lord speaking to my spirit warning me that if I didn’t repent I was going to lose my family and everything I have. I thought about it but no action took place.

The first week in November 2006 I was stressing out about money. A debt collector just attached my wages and I wasn’t bringing home the money. The night before Denise and I got in a huge fight and she threw out the word DIVORCE. I called her bluff.

The betrayal

The next day I went to the local mall in search of a part time job for the holidays. I stopped in a shop and a young woman was working. We started talking and I found myself enticed by her nice words, drowning out the words I heard the night before from my wife. Caught up in my pride, disobedience, lust, and selfishness, I committed adultery. The words “I would never do that to my family” flew by my mind. Immediately and I mean IMMEDIATELY there was an unrest in my life. I could not shake this for nothing. I hid it for 3 weeks.

Glory be to God alone whose unfailing hand of discipline was kept heavy on me until I broke and came to my senses. I confessed to my boss on November 27 2006 and told him I need to go and tell my wife. There was no dealing with this in private for me. I was scared but knew it was the only right thing to do. I was at the bottom of Harris Grade where a lot of people have died driving off the road. Maybe if I took my life I wouldn’t have to bare the pain and suffer any consequences for my sin. But the Lord again is faithful that he allows us to bare the consequences of our sin. That’s His Grace. I knew from that point on there was no turning back. I had to face the sin and accept the grace only given by God through Jesus Christ. That was the only thing I hung on to. Facing my wife, and fearing that she would leave me was a reality that I didn’t want to accept.

The confession

When I arrived at Denise’s job, I had her come out to the car so I can talk to her. My sunglasses were on to hide my tears. I told her “Babe I’ve done something bad, and I’m sorry, I’ve had an affair.” It got ugly, she ran inside called my friend Aaron and told him what I did. Talk about exposing, God means it about our sin when we hide it He will expose it. There was obviously issues that got us here but my act of adultery was not anyone’s fault except mine.

The few weeks that followed were some of the most memorable and life changing times. We were coming to Arizona for a weekend retreat called Encounter. It was there that God revealed His love, grace, passion, justice, and redeeming power in me life. I’ve grown up in church my whole life but this was so fresh and new, all I knew before went out the window. For the next year I kept my face in Psalm 51 by King David after he committed adultery. I paralleled my life after his by reading how he responded when his sin was exposed.

God begins to restore

God has lifted me back up in my marriage and my family. My life has never been the same. Truly God’s Word is true, Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose.”

There has been evidence of redemption in our marriage but one of the most amazing things that God has blessed us with is our son Jedidiah. 2 Samuel 12:24-25

When David comforted Bathsheba, she gave birth to a son and named him Solomon and because the Lord loved him, he sent word through Nathan the prophet to name him Jedidiah.

We never knew that Jedidiah was a name in the bible and when we found it in this passage we knew that God was going to give us a son. Jedidiah is a reminder of God’s amazing grace and the power of His redeeming power.

No matter what stage of sin you find yourself in you must believe God can redeem you from that. It may be costly, it was for King David, but your definition of costly doesn’t compare to the cost of God’s one and only son Jesus Christ to die so that you can be redeemed. Ask yourself this “What’s it going to cost before I lose everything?” Our redemption is in the cross and if he has done it for me who deserved death then he can do it for you.

Related posts

• God In Our Worst Times: “Our baby is Faith” … the conclusion (5)
• God in Our Worst Times: “2yr old Ethan hit by a truck” (16)
• God in Our Worst Times: “When suicide hits home” (2)

“My grandfather is dead”

Who would have ever thought that the month of February in 2004 would be as cold as it was? The physical temperature was fine with highs between the 50’s and 60’s…but the chill I felt that February was numbing. I had come home from work and was doing some relaxing on the couch when my phone rang. To this day, I can’t remember if it was my mother or father who called…and I don’t remember the exact words said to me…but I remember being told a simple sentence that translated to “my grandfather is dead.” I vaguely remember not being able to speak and tossing the phone aside at the couch. My wife picked up the phone while I cried my heart into the couch cushions.

The details were chilling. My grandfather had spent the morning cleaning up after himself so my grandmother would not have to do any cleaning when she got home. She had gone to see a family member in the hospital. He changed clothes into an old t-shirt and an old pair of pants and went out into his garage. He had placed a note on the kitchen refrigerator – a note that we would later discover he had written well before the fateful day. He sat down on his favorite glider in the garage – and performed the unthinkable act.

After the initial shock wore off, my mind went where I am sure everyone’s mind goes: Why? Could I have prevented it? What happens to my grandfather now? Signs! There were no signs! How could we have missed this?!? I spent my next few months struggling with these thoughts and emotions.

Dealing with the guilt

Perhaps you have deal with or are currently dealing with the same issue. Perhaps you know someone who is dealing with the same issue. The quiet truth that I can provide to you is that God can heal your heart – and he provides us with many words in the Scriptures that answer many of our questions. It is easy to wonder “Why didn’t I see this coming?” or “could I have prevented this?” when dealing with the suicide of a loved one or friend. The truth is – it is rarely ever made known. I never knew that my grandfather was that upset with life. It turned out that he was going to have surgery on his hips and be confined to wheelchair for a short period of time. My grandfather simply did not want to subject his wife to his pain nor subject her to having to push him around and care for him. There were no signs…there was no idle talk…nor talk at all about suicide.

The Bible tells us in Proverbs that “the heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.”  We hold our darkest fears inside. My grandfather’s suicide letter was written before he took his own life – but you would have never known it to talk to him. You may also wonder “Why could someone even think about suicide?” Having these thoughts is nothing new. In fact, we see references in the Bible to those who have at least thought about giving up their life for various reasons:

• Job said “I’d rather choke to death than live in this body. Leave me alone and let me die; my life has no meaning.” (Job 7: 15-16)
• Jonah was so stubborn to follow God’s word…stubborn enough that he uttered, “Lord let me die! I’d be better off dead.” (Jonah 4:3)
• Moses had the weight of his people on his shoulders and spoke to God, “I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now.” (Numbers 11: 14-15)
• Paul even battled with life and death saying, “If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I chose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far.” (Philippians 1: 21-23)

You see, even the strongest of men had the thought cross their mind. We all deal with grief, sorrow, and emotion differently. Some of us – like Job, Jonah, Moses, and Paul – deal with it by voicing it…or crying out to God with it. Some people – like King Saul who was grieving over the murder of his sons – carry out their thoughts in a moment of anguish. The truth is, only God know someone’s heart.  We can’t completely know what another is going through…nor does God expect us to take on the guilt of another’s decisions. Remember – it was their choice…not yours.

Suicide’s impact on salvation

Perhaps the biggest issue we deal with is that of Salvation.  “What happens to my loved one now?  Will they go to hell?” I do think that suicide is wrong…do not mistake that…and I do know that the Bible says “thou shalt not kill” and I do not think that God made the distinction of “thou shall not kill…unless it is yourself you kill” – but at the same time I think that the mere thought of the fact that God treats suicide as an unforgiveable sin is outside of the teachings of the Bible.

No single sin, save rejecting God completely, is documented in the Bible that would be certain to prevent entrance into Heaven. Salvation is the ticket to Heaven…Colossians 2:13-14 tells us that our sins are forgiven…all sins…past present and future. If the sins in our life after salvation prevent us from going to Heaven…then – let’s be honest with ourselves…how many of us would be going to Heaven? The truth is, we cannot put God in a box. We cannot micro-manage God. We cannot assume that God shows mercy, grace, and love only on those who perform certain sins – but not others.

To this day, I have my own troubles dealing with what happened four years ago. I put my faith, however, in the fact that God has a far better handle on the issue than I do. It is perfectly okay for us to cry out in confusion. The Bible spends so many verses talking about crying out to God. How comforting it is to know that God hears those cries! When a baby cries – his mother and father hear it. Whether it’s a cry of “I’m hungry” or “I’m hurting” or “I need a diaper change” – a good parent knows that the simple act of holding the child and reassuring “it’s okay” works.  Much in the same manner, God holds us close to Him and tells us “its okay.” He did for me…and He can for you!

Related posts

• God In Our Worst Times: “Our baby is Faith” … the conclusion (5)
• God in Our Worst Times: “Jerry is Dead” (2)
• God in Our Worst Times: “I commited adultery” (1)

Beginning a family

It was the best of times it was the worst of times.  Those words ring true for us as we have headed down the path towards parenthood.  The last three and a half years have been filled with anticipation, hope, heartbreak, loss, joy and redemption and the story is still being written. The decision to start a family is a scary and exciting decision for any young couple and we were no exception. After 4 years of marriage we felt God was leading us to be fruitful and multiply and we wanted to be obedient to the Lord of course so try we did! The first few months were exciting and with every twinge of nausea we thought we were pregnant. Then a few more months went by but without much concern, everyone told us to just be patient, try eating peanut butter or oysters or any number of strange magic fertility enhancing foods (it’s really quite fascinating how all of a sudden everyone becomes an expert on the subject and has lots of advice to give on how to make a baby).  But we were not worried and continued the old fashioned way with full confidence that at any moment we would be peeing on sticks and seeing pink plus signs.

Approaching the 1 yr mark our hope was turning into frustration so we thought maybe we just weren’t timing things right or taking the right vitamins so we got the gadgets and gizmos that help you to know your cycles and so forth. I won’t go into all the gory details but for anyone who has tried to make a baby you know the crazy lengths you will go to and try every bizarre thing anyone recommends when you get to the point of desperation. After a few more months of that we decided it was time to head to the docs for a check up and see if anything was causing this seemingly epic delay in procreation.

Doctors start testing

Mark was the first to get tested (wow, the process of that was another interesting moment in our marriage we never thought we would experience) and much to our surprise his tests came back as infertile, what, infertile? How can that be we thought. The doctors said there was no explanation for how this could have happened, no hope for any sort of cure and we spent a while reeling from that blow. We went through the cycle of sadness, then anger, then bitterness and finally landed in fight mode. We weren’t going to give up this easy and we knew God could do a miracle so that is what we prayed for. We had prophetic words about God restoring the seed of life in Mark and we clung to that and had our amazing friends and family praying and interceding for that to take place.

In the meantime, the doctors wanted to test me just to make sure we didn’t have the double whammy of infertility happening, and low and behold we did. After a painful procedure and testing that was more like torture than anything else we discovered that a ruptured appendix when I was in high school caused massive scar tissue to form around my fallopian tubes causing them to be completely blocked. Awesome, we now were faced with both of us being diagnosed as infertile in our 20′s with no hope (according to the docs) of ever conceiving naturally. It’s a strange feeling to have someone tell you that you can’t have children, it feels like some right has been taken from you and it all seems so unjust. There was a period of time when we could barely go out in public because of the seemingly innumerable amounts of pregnant teens walking around looking pissed and disgusted at the gift of life inside of them.

God’s response is Faith

Questions flooded our heads and God was there with the answers, pain flooded our hearts and God was there to comfort us and when we were finally ready to take the next step God was there to guide us and put Spirit filled people in our lives to fight for us and with us. One such couple was Bob & Michelle Ryan, an amazing Godly family who had been a part of our lives for many years. We had asked people to be praying for whether we were supposed to contend and pray for healing or if this was God’s way of saying that having our own children was not part of His plan for us. After praying for us they felt like God was saying to fight for a miracle and He lead them to play a song for us. They were hoping the song would confirm something for us but didn’t quite know what. As we listened to the lyrics of this song our whole world seemed to stand still as the first lines hit us like a wave.

“Faith, the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  Little Faith, little baby come forth, you will live and not die, thus says the Lord.”

The reason this spoke to us so deeply was because the name we had for our first daughter since we were first married was Faith. God used this song to show us that He was going to give us the daughter that He had placed a desire in our hearts for years before and that it was going to be a miracle! One of the lines is,

“Your life will be a sign and a wonder, a testimony of the faithfulness of God.  Let Faith be born into a world of disbelief, let Faith be born into a world of faithlessness”.

That is our prayer to this day, that our child’s life would point to God’s goodness and that people who were in disbelief of God would find themselves on their knees giving Him glory because of His power and love.  We are still waiting and praying for the arrival of Faith and we trust that God’s timing is perfect.

Healing and Hope

The doctor recommended Mark get tested again to see if maybe they could use any of his sperm with some extracted eggs of mine for in-vitro fertilization so the testing began again, this time with much different results. The tests came back 100% normal and God had done as He had promised! The doctors were dumbfounded and had no explanation as to how this happened but we told him exactly Who was responsible for these amazing results. With renewed hope we felt God confirming to continue to pray for a miracle for me and that we would get pregnant naturally. So that is what we have been doing the last 2+ years; praying, fighting, crying, and seeking God for our baby. We don’t know when this miracle is going to happen or how it’s going to happen but God is good and He is faithful and we have learned so much about His heart through this process.

When all our plans and dreams get stripped away we are left to rely totally on Him and His plans for us and there is no where we would rather be than in complete reliance on His grace. We can’t force this baby to come, all we can do is trust that God has a plan and that as we walk in faith we will see His hand through all of this. God has already used this journey to touch the people around us and as we were in the thick of things and having some really rough days, I had friends come around me who had never prayed, never sought God for anything or at least not for a long time, but now they were praying. They were moved to come to their Creator in a desperate plea for my husband and I because that was all they could do. It forced some intense conversations with people about the character of God and His ultimate goodness, the saving power of Christ and the peace that passes all understanding through the Holy Spirit; which sparked revelation and a renewed desire in them to seek God, and what more could we have asked for out of our story than for people to see and find God in all of it.

God births a spirit of adoption

A couple months ago God spoke very clearly to me about something, adoption. This came out of a conversation I was having with someone about abortion and how disgusting and wrong it was. We were going on about how we need to pray for laws to be changed and that God is so angered by it etc…, when God spoke to me. He said, “Kendra what are you doing about it?” Uh, about abortion I thought, not much I suppose, praying I guess? He continued,

“No what are you really doing about it? You say you are passionately pro life so why aren’t you pro adoption? You can look at a pregnant teen who wants to get an abortion and tell her all the reasons why she needs to carry this baby to term but have nothing to back it up. You are telling her, it’s her duty to have this child but I’m not interested in actually helping you and more importantly, the Christian community isn’t really that interested in adopting any of these baby’s that we want you to have, it’s just important to us that you have them.”

Wow, what a wake up call. All this time we have been asking God for a child and praying for one to come from my womb but there are thousands of kids out there praying for parents so why not bring those two needs together? Now, let me just say that we totally 100% believe that God has shown us that we will have our own natural born children but, He has also placed a desire in us to adopt and we are in the process! The prophetic song we were given lays out our journey in a beautiful way in 2 parts.

The first part about Faith being born, the second part about the Father’s heart for adoption, just like our story that is in the process of being written. It’s such a beautiful and interesting path we are on now and we can’t wait to see what God is going to do in all of this. We have come to realize more than ever that God is faithful, true to His word and that His timing is perfect and we are trusting in Him to build our family through both adoption and conception. And more importantly, we know that He will get all the glory through this because He is the only one worthy of it! Without Christ and His love this story would be one of pain, anguish and fruitless searching but because of His grace it’s one of redemption, healing and life.

Related posts

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• God in Our Worst Times: “I commited adultery” (1)
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“Jerry Turley is dead.“

I stared across the desk at my boss and Sr Pastor as he said the words.
“I just got a call that Jerry died in his sleep last night.”

I felt like I was instantly in another world.  “Jerry Turley?  Who the heck is Jerry Turley?”
Then it hit.  Like somebody dropped a bag of concrete on my gut.  Jerry Turley, my friend.  Jerry, our drummer.  Jerry, who we had written and recorded songs with.  Jerry who we had done several gigs with.  Jerry, one the most gentle guys in the word.  Jerry a lover of Jesus.  Dead.

Jerry was just short of 40 years old.  One evening he went for a bike ride with his girlfriend.  He kissed her goodnight and she went home.  It was the last time Jerry would kiss.  He died hours later in his sleep.

Jerry’s mom asked me to speak at the funeral.  I had to decline.  I was a mess.  There is a special bond that band people share.  Few may understand it.  When you create, play, laugh, worship, and rock together, there is something magical that happens.  That bond was broken and so was I.  I bawled thru the entire funeral.  My band mates and I grabbed the casket and carried it out the door and slid it in the hearse.  You never dream that you will be pallbearer for one of your friends.

I remember the days that followed.  One minute I would laugh, the next I would cry.  One morning after his death, I remember staring at the clothes in my closet.  The next thing I knew I was literally on the floor, bawling like a baby.  I missed Jerry.

It has been 10 years, and I still miss him.

I was in uncharted territory.  Jerry was the drummer for our band, Fish in the Sand.  Fish was the house band for a new and growing ministry called exchange.  The ministry was young and we were the only musicians and the only band.  As the leader I felt this pressure to keep things going.  How could we keep going with a crippled band?  My friends and bad-mates decided that the best thing to do was to take a few weeks off from worship leading.  We needed some time, and the church was gracious to allow us that.

I remember those days after the funeral.  I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t care if I play music again.  The last thing I want to do is get up in front of people and sing happy songs.  I don’t want to praise.  I don’t want to rock it out.  I don’t want to sing.  I don’t want to make a joyful noise.  I just don’t want to do anything.”

A song is born

During that time I was reading through the book of Job.  Job’s life sucked.  We were hit with the tragedy of Jerry dying, but Job got a landslide.  His entire family was killed and his business was gone.  He was reduced to nothing.  What amazed me in reading Job was his initial response to his tragedy.

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship. – Job 1:20

He fell to the ground in worship.  From this experience came the song “Maybe Tomorrow.”  It became a tribute both to Jerry and to our Father.  It is our Father that we trust, even when we find ourselves lying in the floor, crying.

This song was recorded by the remaining band members and our new drummer.  It is a deeply personal song.  To preview the song, click here.

Maybe Tomorrow

Go ahead let the rocks cry out
My lips are heavy on me
You are God, there is no doubt
But my eyes fail to see

Here in this shadow of death
I do not feel like praise
I am learning to understand
Your ways are not my ways

Maybe tomorrow I’ll stand
But today I will lay down and worship
Maybe tomorrow I’ll stand
But today I will lay down and worship you

You have given Lord
You have taken away
I simply need some help now
To make it one more day

Somehow I know your here
Though it’s hard to believe
I’m desperate to meet you God
In this tragedy

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One evening, my husband and I were sitting in our home after putting our two children to sleep for the night. Josh and I were so blessed with our then two-year-old son, Ethan, and six-month-old daughter, Avden. Knowing that our children were called and purposed for the Lord, we want to raise them according to His plan for their lives. This particular evening, we were praying for our first-born son, inquiring of the Father as to what Ethan would become. The words we received from the Lord were near identical:

“He (Ethan) is meant to impact the nations. This is not a cliche for him. Though he is young, he has been given a wise spirit.     He is strong (the name Ethan is translated  “Firm; Strong”). He will be My voice”.

Saturday, August 27, 2005, about 2 weeks after hearing from the Lord regarding our son, began with great excitement. I had been working at a juice and smoothie shop, which was owned by my two older brothers, for most of the day and evening, and was getting prepared for a very special “Open Mic Night” event. The space was pretty packed out with customers who were enjoying the night of delicious beverage and the talents of various town-folk. As the night wound down, mostly only our closest friends still remained to hear the final band, which consisted of my two brothers and Josh. Feeling content with the day’s work, I decided to clock-out and join my friends and hold my children.

As soon as I walked out from behind the counter, I grabbed my little boy and gave him the hug of a mother who hadn’t seen her son all day. I loved holding his tiny body, as Ethan is fairly small for his age. I carried him to the front of the store and took a seat next to a friend who was holding my baby girl. It was nearing 9:00pm and Avden was getting fussy with sleepiness. As I put Ethan on his feet, I took Avden and rocked her gently to the melody that was being played. Feeling her begin to calm, I turn to look towards the back of the store where I thought Ethan had gone to play with some other kids. I can’t see him. I stretch my neck farther, lean back and forth, to get a better view… I can’t find him.

Ethan is hit head on by a truck

At that moment, a young man comes running through the front doors in obvious panic. “Please call 9-1-1. A kid was just hit by a car!” Right away, I knew that that kid was my son. “No…“, I thought.  I couldn’t seem to get outside fast enough. With my baby still in my arms, I find myself on the sidewalk outside. I turn to the left and see an image that will haunt me to this day.

My friend, Tim, approached with a hastened pace as he carried the still frame of a small child. Unconscious. Blood streaming from his forehead. To me, he appeared dead.  “Is it Ethan?“, I asked, already dreading the answer. “It’s Ethan.” Immediately, my knees, arms, legs, my very heart, gave out. I turned, almost tossing Avden into the arms of yet another nearby friend before collapsing onto the cement. “NO!” I see my husband run to the bench where they laid Ethan’s wounded body. I can’t move. I can’t bring myself to go to my own son. “I was just looking for him. I was just looking for him. Oh Lord, I need you right now. I need You, Lord”, were the only words that I could say… over and over again.

The chaos was surreal. People seemed to be coming out of ever door. All of a sudden, the streets were lined with curious and concerned faces, some familiar, some unknown, all in total helpless shock. My sister-in-law, Melissa, was the first voice that could break through my paralyzed, yet over-active, thoughts. “Your son needs you, Christy.“, she said, urging me to join my husband at his side. I can’t seem to get a grip on what was really happening. I just needed to know one thing… “Is he alive, Mel? Is my son alive?“, “He’s crying for you. He wants his mom.“

At those words, it was like the fog of confusion came rushing into focus, and I heard the screams of my terrified little boy. I had to get to him. I rose to my feet, surprised to see that the local police had already arrived on scene and were checking him out. I looked at his small face, and my heart shattered as I saw the damage done by the truck that had hit him. There were two large cuts on his forehead, one spilling blood into his left eye. By now, firemen had arrived, as well as more on-lookers. Unwilling to allow the possibilities of anything other than a miracle, I am overwhelmed with the need to cry out to my God. “Lord, You are the Creator of all things! You are the Great Physician! I know that You are able to bring complete healing to Ethan’s body even now! Please, God! We refuse to believe the fear. Death has no place here tonight! Thank You, Lord, for Your healing. By Your blood, because of Your wounds, he is healed!” I didn’t realize until it was over how loud I had been screaming that prayer. I guess when it comes to fighting for your child’s life, you don’t have time to get embarrassed or wonder what people might think. All I knew was that I was freaking out, but my God is bigger than even this.

Doctors get to work on saving Ethan

The next 30 minutes or so was filled with a lot of supportive hugs and making the necessary arrangements for Avden while we waited for the medi-vac helicopter to arrive.  When it landed in the intersection of Main and Verrado, they had me stand near the door while the loaded Ethan in first. I remember looking around in slight disbelief at all the people standing on every corner. This is seriously happening?! While in flight, I noticed the the helicopter smelled heavily of vomit before I noticed the EMTs frantically working on Ethan. I didn’t put it together that it was his vomit, nor did I realize that he’d again lost consciousness and was choking on it. While they were doing their thing to save my son, I stared at out the window and had another conversation with the Lord.

“Lord, if this is it… If You are preparing to take him… If You are asking me to walk through this fire… OK. I will love You. I will serve You. If I need to prepare myself to watch him die…”

“No,” the Lord interrupted. “Remember what I spoke to you regarding MY son.”  All at once, the things Josh and I had written down from the Lord for Ethan came back to me. “It’s not time for him yet. Keep fighting.”

“Alright. Thank You, Jesus.”

Not until I saw the frightened look on the EMT who told me that he had a son Ethan’s age did I realize how close we’d come to losing him. They rushed him straight to a cat-scan and analyzed his injuries while Josh and I waited outside the open door, which allowed us to hear the doctors’ discussion.

“That looks like a fracture there in his skull.”
“Do you see that? There?”
“Yeah, there’s some bleeding into his brain.”

At this point, I have to cover my ears and try to ease the anger I felt welling up inside of me. Why are they having us listen to this? I pace back and forth, trying to do whatever I can to distract me from hearing them any more. Finally, they wheel him out and as we’re walking with him to the pediatric ICU, I notice that his right hand is completely bruised and severely swollen. “Is his hand broken, too?” They have to wait for the swelling goes down before any X-Rays can be taken. So at this point, the diagnosis is this: skull fracture, slight bleeding in the brain, broken collar bone, possible broken hand. This is what I tell the small group of family praying in the waiting room.

“The neurologist is one his way to look at everything. So we’re waiting for that.“

Within an hour our family had gotten to their cars and were leaving the hospital. Josh called them with the Neurologist’s report: No bleeding in the brain. Slight hairline fracture in the front of the skull. Not as bad as first presented. Amen!

Ethan begins healing

We remained in ICU for a few days, each one bringing marked improvement. Though not very responsive, and not at all himself, the first 24 hours or so, it seemed that Ethan was coming around quicker than anyone expected. By the third day, we were ready to go home. This was the final conclusion: absolutely no internal bleeding, doctors were split as to whether there was a small fracture or not (so if there was, it was minuscule), collar bone broken, but no need for a cast or brace. There was some “structural damage” to his forehead, which would eventually heal… not one stitch, not even a band-aid, was on Ethan’s body when we walked out of that hospital on September 1! Praise the Lord!

Were the doctors wrong in their original assessments? Not at all. We fully believe that our son was in a very bad way when they first rushed him through those doors. So what happened? GOD!! All-Powerful, All-Knowing, Ever-Present, God! He stitched Ethan back together, just as He did in my womb. God worked a tangible, undeniable miracle right before our eyes. He saved our son. He stayed true to His promise. We don’t doubt that Ethan is meant to do great things for the Kingdom of God.

Where is Ethan now?

Ethan is now 5 years old and very aware of the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit. He is extremely active, loves school, and thrives when teaching his 1 year old brother “how to do things”. He loves life, and we are committed to teaching him Who to live it for.

For the last three years, the telling of this event has always proved difficult. Honestly, even just the memory would instantly cause tears as I relived every emotion. Plagued with guilt and unforgiveness, I’d never been able to see this night as anything more than a horrific nightmare. But then, again by His mercy, what had previously been unspeakable, has become the greatest miracle of our lives. We’ve experienced the Lord, Jesus Christ the Son of the Living God, by the nearness of His Spirit, see us through what could have been the most tragic night of our lives. It is instead a testimony of His magnificent, wonder-working, all consuming, love and faithfulness to those who walk according to His Word. That’s why when my brother, Kyle, asked us to write this story, I didn’t hesitate to agree. We are so excited for the Lord to be made famous through the story of our lives. I can no longer deprive God of His due glory by remaining silent. God saw us through then, and He continues to do so even now. Amazing!

Before the accident…

After the accident…

Ethan now…

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This will be a difficult series, but after reading these stories I can promise you it will be one of the most encouraging, rewarding and spiritually beneficial series this blog has ever done. I was reading one of the posts yesterday while eating breakfast at a restaurant and I could not stop crying. It was embarrassing but I think you’ll understand when you read it for yourself. So make sure you are subscribed to the rss feed or subscribed via email so you don’t miss any of these posts.

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